Thursday, January 12, 2006

Gay Monogamy: Does It Exist?

Have been thinking of giving to the community in some shape or form. I was thinking of contacting the school system and putting together a talk to parents about being gay. It would be called something like "How to Love Your Gay Child" or "Accepting Your Gay Son or Daughter". I haven't fully outlined my ideas.

I'd like to get across that it is not an easy life, allowing yourself to be gay, but that it is better than suppressing it - for it only to pop up decades later with destructing ramifications to your wife (or husband) and children let alone oneself.

I'd like to offer something to the parents, to stand up in front of them and say look I'm gay. I'm not a hairdresser; I don't prance around giving straight guys makeovers (at least not on tv). Break the stereotypes and say I'm a product of your child's school system and I made it out okay.

I'd also want to hit upon the fact that suicide amongst teens is highest in gays. I was never suicidal (up until this past year...kidding!) but I'd hate for anyone to be in an environment where they don't feel accepted.

Being gay isn't an easy life - discrimination aside - for gay men in particular. You put two guys together and the chemistry is ripe for fooling around. Men are pigs; they love sex. 99.9% of the gay men couples I know fool around on each other. That's a lot! Maybe I'm just in the wrong circle of acquaintances but something tells me otherwise. Okay, I'll throw in 10% for those squeaky cleans that I hear about but have never met...say it's 90%. Still a lot. I'd have to do a study.

Most covert openly (each knowing), others are more discreet and some have arrangements (no kissing, no anal etc. with others). Whereas in a straight relationship, the women tend to put the brakes on this but if it were up to the guy...that'd be a different story. So it's not easy. It's not healthy emotionally or physically but it can be fun and if both parties agree than what's the harm? Well...

The crux in the argument against homosexuality is that the right think being gay is a weakness and shouldn't be acted upon. Maybe we (us gays) would be better off suppressing and fighting against it and just force ourselves to be with the opposite sex. I'm sorry, I love women and can even find them attractive, to a point, but I just couldn't do that. It wouldn't be fair to me or to the woman.

Alright....maybe, maybe, maybe in a drunken stupor with a lesbian or something but even that would just be some casual experiment that we'd both laugh about the next day. I don't think I'm going to "turn" straight over it. I don't think that's possible.

My God what else is there to expose about myself? Why am I saying all this? How did I traverse down this path?

I can just imagine some of my friends and colleagues reading this and thinking Rick has truly gone off the deep end; now he's going to sleep with a lesbian!

Kidding aside, this Blog has been a bit of a savior for me through this troubling time. It's funny how revealing your deepest (and some not so deep), darkest (and light) secrets to strangers and now 95,000 (ok slight exaggeration) friends, co-workers and family members is therapeutic. It's also funny how those readers I bump into give me that all knowing look or say something like: "I didn't know you liked Torch that much." "You believe what that scum Bill O'Reilly thinks?" "Were you the one of the radio with the , , ?" "John Fugelsang is not gay!" I don't mind. I find it somewhat comforting that they take interest in my pathetic life.

36 comments:

Jeff said...

I think it's interesting how really this hostility about same sex is really a very Judea-Christian thing. Other cultures, the Greeks in particular, saw nothing wrong with it and in fact encouraged it in certain aspects of society. For example, new army recruits were assigned to an older soldier. It was hoped that the bonds of affection would make them better soldiers. I think one of the biggest problems on modern society is the almost absolute categorization that people feel compelled to do and the enforced expectation of a monogamous relationship. There are some people that just aren't going to function that way. But on the other hand, if these rigid expectations weren't in effect, than maybe John Smith who was married to Jane could just occasionally get a fix from a male friend without destroying his marriage instead of trying to bury the sentiments deep inside him like a time bomb waiting to go off.

Rick Bettencourt said...

Jeff - interesting...

Thanks for the post, keep them coming.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm....so your going to sleep with a lesbian. The news just keeps coming :)
This blog is so full of suprises :)

House sale and lesbian experimentation hmmm...so full of suprises

SadNathan said...

As a (I think?) gay boy/ man- i am terrified at the idea that gay men cannot be monogamous with one another.

I feel like it is not truly possible to trust and love another person if you feel that they want to (and will) have sex with other people.

How can you feel safe with such a person?

It seems like a relashionship with "fooling around" is very casual, and you can never become open and trusting enough to let your gaurd down- you can never truly connect and know each other on a deep level.

In that understanding, whether in a relashionship or no- gay men are always having there facade up- never able to be there true selves, never allowing themselves to be vulnerable enough to another person to be hurt, or to be truly loved.

I can/ will not live my life like that.

Rick Bettencourt said...

Nathan - your posting moves me. You are so dead on with the "facade up" aspect. Love is all about letting your guard down, and being vulnerable. That's romance.

Southpaw said...

Rick & SadNathan I too was moved not only by this web site but by knowing there are other menout thre that believe in monogamy. As a middle aged gay male that was married and relatively new to the scene, what a wake up call I found it to be. To me the so called lasting relationships out there are not bound together by love and trust but by being trapped into a life of monetary binds, ie properties. They have their trophy everythings in life and it still is not satisfying so they live miserably together stuck in a time warp. They are afraid of getting old and not being desireable any longer and go on seeking more trophies in being with young guys and still not finding happiness. They scream and yell for constitutional rights and when they get them they want them rewritten to suit their needs. More gay men should look in the mirror and take stock themselves without the rose colored glasses on and they should grow up and act like the butch men they so want to be instead of acting like a spoiled child with a persecution complex. They give new meaning to the term "spoiled brat"

tigrknot said...

I'm part of the bear community and it's a relief to see other men thinking about issues such as monogamy. I came out about 10 years ago after ending a very closeted relationship. I became active in the bear community and had my fun but now that I am 10 years older and hopefully wiser, I have a much different perspective now on relationships and monogamy as well as open relationships.

My 1st relationship with a man was closed and monogamous but it was also very closeted. Nonetheless, I realize now 10 years later that it was a pretty decent relationship compared to some of other ones I have been in.

I hit a wall about 2-3 years ago and decided to take a big step back from the “bear” thing. It was one of the best moves I have ever made. I was way too involved in going to this bear event and that bear event and was also finishing up of the sewing of my wild oats. The turning point for me was getting a little too close to a partnered guy. And here I was a guy who believed in monogamy!

What a mess I made of my own life. But it was good that it happened because I have stopped the tricking around which has brought me a lot of peace. I’m no longer available to partnered guys for sex. No exceptions. It’s surprising how many couples I have pissed off politely declining their advances. I wonder who they are really angry with. But no matter, I really don’t care what others think about this change in my life.
They automatically assume I’m a prude when I’m about the biggest pig you will run into. I just prefer to share it with one guy. I was surprised that these changes in my life would bring me quite a bit of serenity. I date with much more purpose and selectivity in mind and while it calls for some lonely meanderings, I’m OK with it because I know I would be much more miserable playing around or even worse, playing around with a partnered man. I’m a believer in that if you are partnered and open in your relationship; why not stick to partnered guys while on your conquests.

I’m all for getting your freak on and going out and playing around and I’m even a proponent of open relationships but at some point, how much sex is enough? I can definitely tell someone from my own experience that there is such a thing as too much when it comes to going from guy to guy to guy. There really is. I will be turning 40 this year and I really want to evolve as I get older and I really believe that keeping with the status quo/gold standards of the bear community is going to ultimately cause me more damage in the end. I have already seen the damage it has done to my own life.

Going from guy to guy to guy is only going to get you so far and at some point at least for some men, it starts to work against them. You start to see men only as opportunities and not much more of anything beyond that. Boys will be boys but come on, at some point this is a pretty shallow argument. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t really want to hang out with guys whose main purposes are bear events and hooking up. I really dislike being around single or partnered guys who can only talk about who is hot and who is not. It’s like hanging around my 13 year old niece. While I find it hilarious to see my niece engage in sizing guys up, it’s kind of embarrassing being around 30-40-50 year old men doing the same thing on and on and on (and by the way I don’t exclude myself from having done the same thing, I just don’t any more to the extent I used to). I was with friends at a party and one of the couple I know talked about their exploits and who slept with whom and who did what and on and on and on. Do I really need to hear this? Is this really necessary to talk about this in front of EVERYONE? I was really embarrassed for them and so were some of my other friends at the party.

I’m for whatever relationship you want, just as long as you aren’t exploiting someone. There’s a very fine line there and one that’s hard to navigate whether in a closed or open relationship. Much of this isn’t easy. What’s alarming is the extent to which gay men stay in the “peter pan” phase regardless of their relationship status. What’s also alarming is the negativity toward men who want a fairly closed or monogamous relationship. The primary social constructs gay men have are the internet, bars, gay (bear) events and bathhouses. It’s much tougher for gay men to find community support outside these realms. The bear world is based on a fetish and that’s hardly a sturdy foundation.

So while these places served me as I was younger and wilder, where do I go now? I don’t feel these places offer me a place to really evolve but what are my other options? This is what I am currently exploring. Gay men are very much left to their own design with very little societal support even within our own community. Sex can’t be the only foundation, at least not for me. So if I’m going to be left to my own designs, I’m opting to go my own way and find a monogamous relationship where I find some meaning that is more relevant to me and one that is not the gold standard in the bear community.

Anonymous said...

WOW! This really blows me away...I just never realized the lack of monogamy in the gay world. I'm a 42 year old gay man and have been in 3 relationships over the last 20 years. What I see lacking in the gay community is thinking of one's partner before breaking that vow of monogamy. Of course if this is a mutual agreement, so be it, I'm all for people deciding what works or doesn't work in their relationships. I guess for me the bottom line is that the most intimate way I can possibly share myself with someone I love is sexually. I know the feeling of being cheated on, the feeling when the most important person in your world lets you down and sleeps with someone else, shares their sexuality with someone outside the relationship. I have been with my current partner for 11 years, minus about 1 1/2 years of being split up. During our time together, I believe that he's cheated on me more than once, in fact, I know he has. Maybe I'm a prude or old fashioned but I believe that cheating constitutes the involvement of person(s) outside the relationship participating in the sexual gratification of one of the partners in the relationship. For me this includes but is not limited to phone and cyber sex. I have felt so in the back seat when my partner has chosen these things over me. I look at porn differently, since there are pictures or movies, not real people to interact with. I'm sure he's cheated on me with real people, too. I've caught him placing his personal ads, he claims that he placed them to "join" sites so he could see the amateur pictures. Doubt that, have thought of secretly responding to one of those ads in the past and catching him. I guess that my take on the whole topic of gay monogamy is that it should be sacred, not tossed aside the first time a hot young stud comes around the corner. I believe that if a couple starts the relationship as a monogamous one, it should stay that way unless there is mutual consent to change it. The feelings of our partners should be paramount, not tossed aside the next time a hot man walks by. Feelings, think about it.

Arijit said...

Nathan, I don’t know where do people like you exist. I am 29 and was in a monogamous relationship for the last 2 years before my partner broke up with me saying that he could not imagine staying with one person all his life. I have still not been able to understand why. I only hear about monogamy from men above 40. so I am not sure how old you are, but i will be hard put to believe that you are under that age. I apologize for being not the best of my self. But I was brought up in India, (though I live in Albany now), I have seen people all around me live happily in monogamous relationships all their lives. So when I immigrated to this country I was and still am a little hard put to understand (especially after what i have gone through), what makes men and women think any differently. Why cant they think about monogamy till half their life has passed on. (I do apologize to all men over 40 for my references to the. I do not mean to be disrespectful. I am just trying to make a point).

Anonymous said...

Hi! I´m 26 and this is a topic I think about every single minute, hour, and day. About a year ago I met, well hooked up, with this guy at a party, and ended up sort of starting a relationship. Having fun was alright until I met someone I went head over heels for, and that´s when it hit me. I guess screwing around is alright until you find someone who makes you feel things beyond your control and who is constantly in your thoughts. Then I knew that a real relationship is what I wanted, to have someone who you can talk to in bed, who knows your name and who can meet your friends and be part of mainstream society with you, someone who´s gonna be with you even if your leg is in a cast and you can´t go party, for example. I guess gay men can´t live up to that, and that´s why we really are marginalised from society, and in a way it makes sense. People who hurt each other wrecklessly and have only pleasure in their mind don´t contribute much in building society. I am glad Jeff started this post beacuse it´s something that I think about a lot. Being 26 and having hit this wall is pretty tough, seeing others my age keep going at it as if the world were going to end tomorrow, feeling lonely, as if looking for something that´s not in the cards for me, in other words wasting my time. But in the end we all have to face reality and chose the way we live, follow that gut feeling or join the "fun". I´m still holding out, actually after I fell in love with this guy I haven´t been with anyone. It made me stronger and more mature but the hard way. In a way, the more time I spend alone the more confident and clean I feel, and I know it will mean a lot when I decide to go to bed with someone. I´m sure that´s what we all really want but aren´t strong and consequent enough to achieve. I truly hope I find someone, in the meantime I keep swimming and tanning to be ready for that ;)

Anonymous said...

Hi! I´m 26 and this is a topic I think about every single minute, hour, and day. About a year ago I met, well hooked up, with this guy at a party, and ended up sort of starting a relationship. Having fun was alright until I met someone I went head over heels for, and that´s when it hit me. I guess screwing around is alright until you find someone who makes you feel things beyond your control and who is constantly in your thoughts. Then I knew that a real relationship is what I wanted, to have someone who you can talk to in bed, who knows your name and who can meet your friends and be part of mainstream society with you, someone who´s gonna be with you even if your leg is in a cast and you can´t go party, for example. I guess gay men can´t live up to that, and that´s why we really are marginalised from society, and in a way it makes sense. People who hurt each other wrecklessly and have only pleasure in their mind don´t contribute much in building society. I am glad Jeff started this post beacuse it´s something that I think about a lot. Being 26 and having hit this wall is pretty tough, seeing others my age keep going at it as if the world were going to end tomorrow, feeling lonely, as if looking for something that´s not in the cards for me, in other words wasting my time. But in the end we all have to face reality and chose the way we live, follow that gut feeling or join the "fun". I´m still holding out, actually after I fell in love with this guy I haven´t been with anyone. It made me stronger and more mature but the hard way. In a way, the more time I spend alone the more confident and clean I feel, and I know it will mean a lot when I decide to go to bed with someone. I´m sure that´s what we all really want but aren´t strong and consequent enough to achieve. I truly hope I find someone, in the meantime I keep swimming and tanning to be ready for that ;)

David said...

It is such a relief to hear your stories. I am 34 years old and I know that the only type of relationship that would work for me is a monogamous one. Call me old fashioned but cheating is cheating. Those of you who are monogamous, please share your thoughts with your friends. I believe preaching what you believe in and talking about it attracts the same to your life. Thank you guys. You made my day.

Anonymous said...

I met the bear of my dreams, after seeing a picture of him, years earlier. And even then, I had this "feeling" that I should just attempt to introduce myself to him - crazy, and unreal, I know.
But then I actually DID meet him, and my mind did a complete cosmic somersault when I realized that he was THAT man, I was actually living out a reality that I felt wasn't even possible.

That's more spirituality than I've ever felt, in any church I've been in. It is the secret of the soul.

And you just can't help but smile, constantly.

And even though I knew that this was IT, I had found him at last, he was saying things like "now you can go out and find love, and have fun, and be happy. I'm only your first step, and you'll move on from here."

But I knew he was my ONLY step. And it took some convincing at first, but thirteen years later we are still the only one for each other.

The sadness comes from wanting to be friends with other bear couples of all kinds, as we have much in common with many of them - but they want nothing to do with us. Because we don't play around.

And I had years of straight friends, and get-togethers, movies, and socializing. But all I ever really wanted was a beautiful husbear that I could trust. And one I knew I could really love, unconditionally.

And I'll choose my husbear over a party now, anyday.

It's just so very weird to have so much, and yet feel like outcasts because you and your partner are completely monogamous...

Rick said...

Thanks for your comment. After having written this over 3 1/2 years ago, I too have since found myself happy and in a monogamous relationship.

There's hope after all.

Anonymous said...

My partner and I have been together for over 12 years and have an open relationship. Basically as human beings we have different needs and sex drives. Because we occasionally have sex with other people doesn't devalue our love for each other. I cannot imagine living with anyone else but we don't always satisfy each other sexually. Does that mean we shouldn't be together? We both have different interest and hobbies. My bf loves sci-fi but I hate it. I sometimes try and watch it but should I stop him watching it because I don't like it? No. A partnership is all about meeting each others needs and what works for one couple doesn't always work for others. Surely it's better for us to be honest with each other rather that in most couples where one or both partners have secret sex with strangers and then live with the guild and hope the other one doesn't do it? If you want monogamy then I hope you find it but there aren't that many gay guys out there who will be (honestly) 100% faithful.

Steven said...

I will concede with the above commenter that monogamy may not be right for everyone, but that is something I strongly believe in and am glad to see from several other comments as well as your original post that I am not alone.

I have to state that my opinion doesn't come from society telling me that monogamy is the only way to be in a relationship, it is something that I believe in on my own.

While I don't have a problem with other consenting adults conducting their relationships in whatever way they choose, it is frustrating trying to date when a large percentage of gay men only want something casual including one-night-stands or if it leads to a relationship then an open relationship.

I guess some people might call me a prude, but I'd rather live with that label than some others and hope that someday I might meet someone else who feels the same way.

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy to hear others support monogamy in the gay community. I am 24 years old and I literally am hitting a rock wall and needed to do some research on this. I was in a 3 year relationship that ended after I graduated college and distance tore us apart. He ended it on x-mas eve, (found out a week later) he was hooking up w/ a kid who lived nearby. I assume he wanted a convenient relationship rather than do the work to make the romance grow after a temporary long distance relationship. I went to the gay bars, and check the websites, but the gay society pushes for everything to revolve around sexuality. What ever happened to the value of a relationship, the very same values I grew up with from a traditional italian family? Now finally trying to get into the dating scene again, I see myself hitting rock walls. Trying to maintain my morals and values, without coming across like I need to sleep w/ someone the very chance I get. Some people decide to live that life, and I respect that, But where is the representation of commitment, and monogamous relationships on our society. How are we portraying ourselves to the young gay community that are struggling to come out. We need structure, we need values, we need to respect ourselves more, in order to expect respect from society. I believe in romance and growing old somewhere, but we need role models out there..where are they?

Anonymous said...

I'm so happy to hear others support monogamy in the gay community. I am 24 years old and I literally am hitting a rock wall and needed to do some research on this. I was in a 3 year relationship that ended after I graduated college and distance tore us apart. He ended it on x-mas eve, (found out a week later) he was hooking up w/ a kid who lived nearby. I assume he wanted a convenient relationship rather than do the work to make the romance grow after a temporary long distance relationship. I went to the gay bars, and check the websites, but the gay society pushes for everything to revolve around sexuality. What ever happened to the value of a relationship, the very same values I grew up with from a traditional italian family? Now finally trying to get into the dating scene again, I see myself hitting rock walls. Trying to maintain my morals and values, without coming across like I need to sleep w/ someone the very chance I get. Some people decide to live that life, and I respect that, But where is the representation of commitment, and monogamous relationships on our society. How are we portraying ourselves to the young gay community that are struggling to come out. We need structure, we need values, we need to respect ourselves more, in order to expect respect from society. I believe in romance and growing old somewhere, but we need role models out there..where are they?

Rick said...

Dear Anonymous,
So glad you found this posting. It's seemed to grow into quite the rant on gay monogamy.

Hold true to your beliefs. Things do change: one relationship at a time the more gay monogamy will be the norm.

Anonymous said...

I've been in a monogamous relationship for 9 1/2 years, and we've been legally married for 2 1/2. When I met him, he was 24 and I was 31. After all this time, we still have great sex. Naturally, there's a waxing and waning of desire, but it's just the way it is. If I start thinking I want to fuck someone else, I just leave it between my ears and it goes away. He's not the type either. Regarding going out on a quest to satisfy every sexual fantasy I have, there's a reason they are called fantasies...it's OK if they stay between my ears. Thinking of sinking my dick into every hottie I meet isn't for me. I don't find that hot, I find it depressing. It also grosses me out.

For those of you saying "everyone is this way," regarding not wanting monogamy, I assure you it isn't the case. Water seeks it's own level. Every time this subject comes up in mixed company and I offer my two cents, the non-monogamous feel I'm judging them. I feel the reverse is true, that I'm being judged for not wanting to whore around, because that's what it is, no matter what you call it. I'll add this and shut up; I've never had a single sexually transmitted disease, and am still here when many of my contemporaries are not.

Anonymous said...

Wow. This is something I have had on my mind quite a bit lately, and it's very stressful. I am very glad to hear there are other gay men who desire monogamy.

As a previous poster said, the idea that men inherently cannot be monogamous with each other frightens me. I don't think I could ever envision myself in anything other than a monogamous relationship.

I do have a high sex drive, but I have never cheated. Do I find other men attractive? Of course. Do I want to have sex with them? No I do not, that is something I relegate to my bf. I believe sex should mean something, and it's the ultimate form of intimacy. To share that with anyone other than the person who you love is a betrayal in my eyes.

I am also terrified of the possibility that my bf may cheat on me due to the high rate of men that fool around on each other. He reassures me of course, and we both wanted and agreed upon a committed exclusive relationship. I do believe that those who cheat and have a need for constantly varied and non-exclusive sux are at the beck and call of their primal urges, stuck in their everlasting world of shallow and repetitive enjoyment.

I also agree that many gay men immediately deem it okay to have sex with other men, simply because the are stuck in this phase where their partner probably desires the same, and neither of them can really grow. They stay stuck on this premature level that they have vastly outgrown, all due a lack of integrity as well as empathy towards their partners feelings.

Anonymous said...

thanks guys for the post and shared your thought, experiences. i am 23 m, i really been stuck in monogamous issue...
i am a monogamous person and other side i can't believe there is a monogamous relationship in gay.. it is killing me so much..
why gay guys like fooling around?... and then they will decide to be monogamous very lately with younger guy.. don't they think the young guy just like them when they was young?..
i hope the negative life style of gays will be fixed. from there maybe people will be more kindly to gay and accept gay.

jyesey said...

Firstly, i'd just like to say thankyou for sharing your feelings on gay monogamy- reading your comments, for the most part, has been an inspiration to me.

Studies have shown that promiscuity in the gay community is rife, as is infidelity. MOST gay relationships end in the first few years. The gay community as a whole needs to work harder for the respect it commands.

I'm a 24 year old guy living in Glasgow, UK and it pains me at times to be associated with the gay community. So often we might hear people associate the concepts of monagamy and fidelity with "old fashioned" values, but they're not old fashioned. In my opinion these values are integral to any healthy society and i'm a proponent of them not because society says I should be but because I genuinely believe it's the only way forward.

Personally, I don't like to be stereotyped but I do believe the gay stereotypes exist for good reason. To those in the gay community responsible for the need for these genuine comments here I say one thing- if you want to be afforded that which the gay commnunity superficially fights for, the first step may be hard to swallow but simple nonetheless- grow up a little.

david said...

All I have ever wanted since I was 5 years old was a loving partner. I am very relationship-oriented, need intimate friendships (not sexual), and a monogamous partner. I have ended up with neither. Men look at me as though I just landed from outer space when I tell them I have no interest in casual sex or hooking up or any of that stuff. At 47, after always having been single, I have to face the fact that my dream of having Love may never materialize. And I am not sure I can let that hope go. So, anyone who feels the same please contact me at daveys35 on gmail.

Anonymous said...

realtionship = monogamous or you are just fuck budies

if one can not be mongamous then don't be in a relationship and be truthful, your slutting around. been there done that and only when I've been single

natural = look to nature for it to occur in nature is to be natural. Amongst apes = gibbons are monogamous......amongst our closest genetic cousins chimpanzees and pigmy chimps (Bonobos) chimps are not mongamous while bonobos are 24/7 bisexual orgiests BUT!!!!!!!!!!! its only thier groups they dont allow strangers from other bonobo familial groups into their familial orgy group.

amongst non apes there are coyotes, jackals, foxes, ravens, swans etc that are all monogamous

Monogamous relationship or single and slutty

I personally prefer monogamy and have never found any open relationship couple to be truly happy

Anonymous said...

Hi, its very interesting to hear everyones take on the topic of gay monogamy.
I myself am a 33 yr old gay male and have been with my partner for 2
yrs, so far monogamos on my end and thats the way id like to keep it although there have been those times when ive caught him on dating sites and used the excuse they joined just to look at the pictures. and randon messages on his phone that i would have rather not seen.
Unfortunatly im starting to believe that there is no such thing as real monogamy in the gay world as im afraid that he is growing bored and starting to look elewhere. Which brings me to the question do I bend my beliefs to accomadate what his needs are or do I stick to my beliefs and stick to my guns of wanting true monogamy.
The reality is that the thought of having any kind of an open relationship with my partner would not work and I could never accept the fact that the man I love has been with someone else, let alone be involved and see him being with someone else. I understand that there are different strokes for different folks but dont understand how you can profess your love for someone and know that they are giving their body to someone else.
On another note i wonder why as gay men we have fought so much for equality and the right to be married, and then their excuse for an open relationshipp is we are not straight,, we are gay, so these general rules dont apply to us,, well tell me why then we all want to be reconised in the same matter that straight people are ie.. married, i thought the vows say till death do u part not till a hot little peice of ass comes along.
I guess what im trying to say is that monogamy is for me 100% and dont understand why more gay men dont follow suit. I have not met 1 gay couple whos relationship has withstood the open deal, they always seem to end in tradgity because one oversteps the boundries of an agreement and wants more than the other half.
We dont have an endless amount of yrs and I mean me especially and do not want to end up one of those sad old gay guys you see at the gay bars everynight wishing they had of held on to something meaningful instead of just having sex. One day it has to end and i dont want to end up alone..

Anonymous said...

I have been in a long-term relationship with my guy for almost 4 years. We met when I was 21 and he was 29. We agreed to be monogamous but he cheated on me about a year into the relationship. However, since nearly ending it with him and talking about it ad nauseum, we agreed to work past it and move on. It has taken quite some time to rebuild the trust but things are better than they've ever been. I think he needed to get it out of his system, since he didn't have a long break between his previous relationship and ours. I am certain he has been faithful since then and we are working to build our life together including buying a house. I love my man, that's why I could understand and ultimately forgive his infidelity. Now we are completely monogamous and very happy.

Anonymous said...

I am struggling with it right now. I am a 22 years old gay man. I really believe in monogamy... there is no deeper connection between two people than sex. I just don't understand how can gay men be so shallow and superficial about it. I am almost entering depression by seeing that I will probably spend my whole life looking for a partner that loves me for who I am and will not find it. It breaks my heart. I am really tired of this stupid culture that the gay community has created. I am not a proud member of it. Yes, I have artistic perception - like most gay guys have -, yes, I am a pig regarding sex with the man that I love, but, no, I don't want to share such intimacy with anyone else besides the man that I love.
Chances are I'll never find somebody like me. I've seen enough stories of older guys about it.

Anonymous said...

I am a 36 year old man that believes in monogamy and felt like I had found it with my ex for almost ten years until he ended up cheating on me. I should have caught the signs after catching him on social networking sites flirting heavily with other men and strange texts that were questionable as well. I kept working at it though and ended up hurt in the end. I had almost considered after the healing of doing the whole "open relationship" or just whoring around thing, but realized that lifestyle was not for me. It is refreshing to see other gay men that feel the same about monogamy and gives me hope that I will find that special somebody to spend my life and share all of my love with. If anyone would be interested in getting to know me more, even to have a gay like minded friend, please contact me at sweetfantasy76@gmail.com :) Ciao!

Queen Mab or Wraith Cake or Ursa Major or any other name I fancy using said...

Cheating, let alone sanctioning open cheating (as an open marriage/relationship) to avoid cheating and lying, is like taking an alcoholic to an open bar, as a means to cure his alcoholism. Lol! People who have open relationships still engage in “rules” to govern their relationship, but the reality is how can these rules be maintained when EVERYTHING is on the table? Rules like “no kissing on the mouth, always come home at night, only have consensual threesomes” etc. Are you going to vigilantly check that your partner is following "both your" rules? And how are you going to do that? And is that trust? That sounds more like control to me.
The truth is people who cheat, will cheat anyway—that is the whole meaning of the word. People who lie will deceive. Trying to take away the ground rules for what constitutes cheating and lying does not change the reason it occurs to begin with. Think: the alcoholic has an addiction problem (hint: the addiction is alcohol, but the root is psychological)—the addictive process is the same whether it’s alcohol, food, drugs, cigarettes, sex, bla bla bla.
People who have threesomes, open relationships, and agree to be in a non-committed monogamous relationship have incredibly low self-worth.
It shouldn’t surprise anyone that gay men often feel worthless. Homosexuality amongst men is still considered really abhorrent. Gay men are emasculated often in school, frequently by their families and commonly by their neighbours. So of course one is willing to “settle” for any sort of relationship, rather than to be alone. Gay men struggle with monogamy not because men aren’t capable of it—that’s sexist hogwash. The reason is because we don’t “normalize” gay relationships—monogamous gay relationships.
People who endorse open relationships equate sex with lust, and not with intimacy. They do not make the connection that it is an exclusive behaviour which is an extension of an emotionally invested bond. When you share your bodies ONLY with each other, and you’re partner’s body becomes an extension of your own, not as a possession but as privilege, there is a connection and a mental grounding which is soooo essential for self-worth and happiness. I’m not saying that monogamy alone makes you happy, but it helps a whole hellofa lot. And I haven’t met a couple or a person yet that endorses open relationships who aren’t miserable and insecure. Sure, correlation doesn’t equal causation but it does make me go “hmmmm.”
When all is said and done, monogamy’s a beautiful thing (a thing to be envied), but like all beautiful things it’s a pain in the ass to maintain.

Anonymous said...

Hi Im kevin and Im 19! i know! u guys think im Promiscuous because we're young but Im not like that. YES! Im very very horny all the time but that doesn't mean im just going to jump in HOT guy i see,i have control ya know? I think before i do my actions. Im monogamous,totally. I want my guy only for me and me only for him. Im kinda like a jealous guy but not totally jealous that its going to be a problem. Im single, and i wish i find a monogamous guy soon! :).. Im sorry for my grammar, English isn't my language. :) kevinkent62@yahoo.com lets be friends monogamous gays out there! add me on yahoo! :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Im kevin and Im 19! i know! u guys think im Promiscuous because we're young but Im not like that. YES! Im very very horny all the time but that doesn't mean im just going to jump in HOT guy i see,i have control ya know? I think before i do my actions. Im monogamous,totally. I want my guy only for me and me only for him. Im kinda like a jealous guy but not totally jealous that its going to be a problem. Im single, and i wish i find a monogamous guy soon! :).. Im sorry for my grammar, English isn't my language. :) kevinkent62@yahoo.com lets be friends monogamous gays out there! add me on yahoo! :)

Anonymous said...

hello guys, am 35 and i just come out of a relationship of 7 years with this guy 13 years older then me. i thought i was going to find wisdom and monogamy with him but instead found myself in this troublesome trustless and controlling relationship. Though it is hard, i am getting over it. Now i have decided to trust my own feelings, what my heart tells me. I just met this guy whos 26 and I know when i love someone, I cannot hurt him, and we can share this trust. When he trusts me, I trust myself more and more to resist to temptation, cause they are everywhere. I want a lifetime love story. I know i will have it
Manny

Anonymous said...

Im 22 and gay, and i do not have sex with guys easily. I love the feeling if making love to one person i know and care about and share everything. I do not particpiate in any 'gay community' as i find the idea of a community based on ones sexual preference somewhat odd. For me monogomy is the only option and im prepared to wait until such a guy comes into my life.

Anonymous said...

In a monogamous gay relationship for close to 5 years now. Thank you for these testimonials....gives me hope that it is possible to be happy with one person regardless of sexual orientation. Being gay shouldn't be an excuse for being selfish. Selfishness is a learned behavior.

Antonio said...

I am 33 years old. I was in a monogamous relationship for 3 years and have been in an open relationship for 6 and a half.

My monogamous relationship was with a very beefy beautiful bear and we fucked each others brains off like crazy. I was very fortunate that this was my first relationship. Unfortunately many gay men loved my partner. They lusted after him because he was such a beautiful bear. In the end this aided in ending our relationship.

I entered an open relationship next as I no longer believed in monogamy. It's been over six years now and for the most part it's been 'doable'. However my partner is the one who plays. I hardly ever do. If I do I want to play together. So it's happened a handful of times over the last six years. My partner however is of the mindset to play by himself and will go to the local bathouse weekly.

I have started seeing a therapist for other issues I'm dealing with (mostly being bullied by co-workers) and have realized through the sessions that I really am someone who revolves around monogamy but who can also see myself playing with people once in a blue moon.

I think it is dangerous to pin hole people into either monogamy or open. Much like sexuality there is straight and gay and million variations in between. The same can be said about relationships. I think people need permission to play once in a blue moon.

I say this in a responsible sense. I have to admit that I agree with everything everyone has stated on this page.

I have met many couples who are in open relationships through my partner as they were friends with him before I met him. I have to admit that hardly any of them seem 'happy' with each other. There is a sense that they are always on the prowl for the next fuck. And even myself getting involved with them, I feel welcomes and accepted by them because I play with them, but then as time goes on I realize it's all just a sham since they never keep their word about other things. Such as getting together for dinner or even planning trips to the United States together. It's all just talk. Only when a sexual component is verified does the integrity come out. Pathetic.

To end my rant I say this: Open or Mono the issues in the relationship are quite similar. you want to feel validated by someone important in your life. It's vital that you self-reflect for yourself and find where your comfort lies. It may very well be in an open relationship or a monogamous one or something that is in between. Feelings get hurt not because your in an open relationship but because expectations and communication is not clear. Is it easier to be in a monogamous relationship? I think so but that also depends on trust then too. If one or both partners has trust issues then that is absolute hell as well.

Just wanted to give my two sense I have experienced both open and mono relationships. I find that I am wanting a mono relationship now as I am getting older. I am still HIV- and want to keep it that way. I have encountered people becoming positive because of silly one nighters that in the end meant nothing but have dratastically altered their life in a negative way.

Do what's comfortable for you and take care of your feelings. That ultimately is the currency we are living with at the end of the day.

Cheers,
Antonio.

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