Thursday, February 08, 2007

Torn Between Two Lovers

Feeling a bit better today. Yesterday was the worst. It hurt to swallow (no comments!) and I had a really scratchy voice. As Bandit said, I sounded a bit like a butch lesbian. Anyway...

Last night, after stopping by Rob's to feed his fish while he's away, I went to The Club for a beer and to watch American Idol. When I'm there, I'm sometimes asked to dispense advice. I guess because I have a history of long-term commitments and am more serious about relationships than some of the beer-swilling Joes there, they trust me.

Bill, this cute 29 year old friend of mine, was looking gloom. Head over heels for his boyfriend of only a month or so, Bill found out that his boyfriend was cheating on him with an ex. Bill felt used and stupid but wasn't quite ready to break up. Apparently there was too much love there.

Oy! Why ask me these questions? Please!!!

I wanted to say, 'problems after only a month? Run...hide! Get out now!' But I could see the genuine pain on Bill's face and felt he needed some butch (I was wearing my workboots) fatherly advice. It was more complex, I could see. I told him, for whatever reason, gay men tend to be more promiscuous than say lesbians or straight couples. I've sometimes questioned whether gay monogamy actually exists. This wasn't good advice to give to someone whose heart was broken. So I changed my approach.

He alluded to the fact that his boyfriend's "cheating" didn't involve sex just a "loving, caring friendship with an ex." And then he said,"but we can't really be committed to each other if either one of us is seeing and in love with someone else. Even if their relationship is non-sexual, there's an emotional component and that's a far stronger attractor than sex. I guess he's just in love with him more than he loves me."

At that point, American Idol was over and out from the juke box rang...
There's been another man that I've needed and I've loved
But that doesn't mean I love you less
And he knows he can't possess me and he knows he never will
There's just this empty place inside of me that only he can fill

Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules
Torn between two lovers, feelin' like a fool
Lovin' you both is breakin' all the rules
At the all too appropriate song, we both burst out laughing. I gave him a hug and wished him well. "Love isn't easy my friend. It's never easy. In time perhaps he'll realize his ex is his ex for a reason."


greg brown said...

I agree with your friend. I went throught the same experience. Monogamy has to be both physical and spiritual and it almost is always a formula for disaster when the exes are too much involved.

That being said, there are some people who just can't let go.

BELIEVE it or not, there are guys who feel that way, or at least they seem to.

Thanks for an insightful post.

Donnie said...

Rick, I'm glad you're feeling better. Bandit must've taken my advice to help you get better.

You did a good thing by advising Bill the way you did.

Sorted said...

Does gay monogomy exist? I am starting to doubt it. When I am in a relationship, I would never think of cheating on that person, WITH ANYONE! It's a respect issue.

I just don't understand how someone could express their love for someone and sleep with other people?

Anonymous said...

It truly is a shame these days if people honesty doubt the existence of monogamy in the gay world. And given from what I've seen, I can see why anyone would lose faith.

I have no problem with polygamy as long as both people truly want that, and can handle it emotionally. Not me, brother -- I only want to share my life with one guy.