Tuesday, May 22, 2007

A New Beginning: Take Two or Is It Three or Four or...

Each day brings a new chance at life. That's the way I'm trying to look at things. I need to put my past behind me and learn from my mistakes. And I've made a lot. Sometimes I can be pretty stupid and get myself wrapped up into the wrong things. Actually, let me correct myself: It's not the "wrong things" for I truly believe we get into situations for a reason. There's either a reason or a lesson to learn in all of the trials and tribulations in which we get ourselves into.

For one, why did I hang on to a marriage and a life with somebody that I knew wasn't going to go anywhere? I needed to learn that I can find true love, that I'm worthy of it. It's out there and I can get it. You might ask "how pray tell does hanging onto a marriage bring you to that hypothesis?" Well...actually...I'm not to sure. I'm still working out the details but I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Unfortunately, some consider me to be too nice. We're the ones that seem to get hurt the most because we allow a lot of things most people wouldn't hear of. I've been told about this nice-complex of mine before and it's a tough thing to hear. Some guys want the chase. They want, in some perverted way, to be treated badly. Or they get bored with the flowers, the romance, the kisses, the lovemaking. They need to create drama and spice it up. I guess I'm just not that mean type. I wouldn't say I'm boring. And I would hope that none of my former lovers would think that. But Torch, for example, he just couldn't handle being loved. Some guys (especially gay guys) can't handle something that's so foreign. How does one learn to be loved? Or allow it in?

Perhaps I've gotten involved with people to help them get through a trying time. And vice-versa. What would have happened to ____ had I not been there to love him? Would he have stayed in an awful situation? Maybe he wouldn't even be here today. We'd all like to think everything is forever but maybe we're just here to make somebody else's day a little brighter and get them through a rough patch. I think that's why I like "It's a Wonderful Life" so much. I know it's melodramatic but I don't care. I cry like a baby every time I see it.

I've come to realize that I can't be there for everybody. I can't always be the one picking up the pieces and trying to save the world. It's just too much pressure.

As with X...that's a whole different story, a much more complex story which quite honestly I don't have the energy or the desire to get into right now. Ultimately, he's a good egg. It was just that our time was up.

1 comment:

S. said...

I can relate to SOOO many things on many differnt levels here. I am too nice too and I hear it all the time. sometimes I wish I were the bad boy.

BTW, I am public again.